Beware the Under Toad

2010-03-09T14:39:00.000-08:00

I've been having muscle spasms in my neck and back since yesterday afternoon...
took a couple of pills before bed last night, it wasn't perfect but I got through work today.
But I didn't really eat much, and then I got home... and since my neck still was hurting my husband brought me another muscle relaxer and a shot of bourbon. And I had 2 more shots of bourbon.
And now I am really, really, really "chill"...
I feel so relaxed.
I could even handle "group" activities (if I could sit up straight or walk!!).
Dude.
Don't know why I'm sharing except that I've missed blogging...

"real" blogging will resume shortly.

trying to stop dying

2010-03-01T17:21:00.000-08:00

(I wrote this last night, but somehow it didn't post...)

1) I have an appointment with a new acupuncturist tomorrow.
He's not going to be able to fill my heart with happiness the way my old guy did... But maybe if my body hurts less my heart will hurt less too.

2) I started taking all my vitamins again - I know they're good for me and some of them help my mood a bit.

3) I'm finding one beautiful thing to notice every day... Not everyrhing in Oklahoma is ugly... Just most of it.

4) I'm working. I like working. For 8 or so hours every day I feel competent and busy and useful. Its a good thing I have work.

I guess that's it... It seems like I should be doing more... Obviously I'm not doing *enough* because I still feel like I'm dying. I might have to think of more. Energy (or the lack thereof) becomes a factor though).

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to acupuncture... but I didn't get any acupuncture. ARGH!! the guy is a chiropractor too and so he just did an adjustment on my knee... it helped some, but not as much as my old acupuncturist did... sucks.
He says if I don't get the relief I'm looking for after 2 or 3 visits he'll go ahead and poke me. I guess he must prefer doing the chiropractic to the acupuncture... I prefer to be stuck with needles. I think it helps kill some of the self-injury urges. (And to think - I've been abstaining from doing anything that would leave a mark for HIS benefit!! Stupid. But I don't think I can say to him "listen, I really need you to stick at least 20 needles into me so that I don't have to really hurt myself ok!!")

I've been away...

2010-02-28T10:24:00.001-08:00

The undertoad still has me really bad...

The move is done.

I'm working at my new job... I like my job ok.

Punkin is living with her Dad mostly, cuz me and Kev are living at his folk's house out in the country. The in-laws are in Florida so we have the house to ourselves... but its kind of awful because I feel like a refugee - I can't unpack... their stuff is everywhere (of course it is - its their house)...
Kev is blissfully happy.
The dogs love it - we're on 30 acres or so and they can run and run and run.
Punkin is doing better - her grades are better, she seems happier...

and I feel guilty for being so miserable.
I feel like I'm dying.

None of them really need me... obviously... everyone else is doing great while I lie in bed and cry.
I've been struggling with scary self-destructive thoughts...

I hate it here. Its ugly. Its flat and brown and ugly.

I've talked to Dr. Miller on the phone a couple times, just briefly... nothing terribly helpful really.

She says I need to "find [my] people"...
but I can't.
I can't go and meet people... I go to work and I go home and I don't have the energy to do anything else.

I don't see any way out - there's nothing better for me in my future.

2009-12-23T22:19:00.001-08:00

the undertoad has got me bad...

I'm all over the place

2009-11-27T08:38:00.000-08:00

I'm kind of relieved to be leaving my job...
but I'm anxious about telling them, and haven't figured out yet when I will let them know.

I'm kind of glad to be sorting through and getting rid of "stuff"...
but I feel overwhelmed about the enormity of the job at hand. Whittling down 11 years of my life into what will fit into boxes feels hard.

I'm very sad about leaving Dr. Miller, my friends, acupuncture-guy, my house...

I'm glad for Punkin that I'm making this decision which will get her into a much, much better school situation.
I'm sad for Punkin that she will have to leave behind some of her dear friends.

The interweb has given me some leads on a new therapist... but I'm very afraid of leaving Dr. Miller and finding someone new. She and I aren't really done yet, it feels all wrong to be breaking things off in the middle like this. What if I can't connect with the new person? What if I never find anyone as good for me as Dr. Miller is? What if where I am now is just where I'm going to be forever?

Money is a worry.... on the one hand I need to work as much extra as possible so that I can afford all the extra expenses that go into a big move.
But I also need time. Time to sort and pack and sleep. Time to get all the loose ends tied up before I am 2,000 miles away from here.

I've got some stained glass projects I want to finish before I go. A small panel for my Kev's mom. I'm halfway done with a making a small panel for each of the "book club girls"...
I've got a project in my head that I haven't even started yet, its a panel with oriental poppies and etched text of the "risk" poem by anais nin. I thought I had plenty of time to work it up to give to her before I quit seeing her, but now it seems that there are only a few weeks left really...

I'm taking one for the team...

2009-11-20T16:44:00.000-08:00

Kev's dad has cancer and his folks need more help...
Punkin isn't doing well in her underfunded and not meeting standards school...

and so, I'm gonna take one for the team and move with my family back to the flat brown state.

yep.

My feelings about this change from moment to moment.
Sometimes I feel like it'll be ok, sometimes I feel completely undone about it...

Dr. Miller says it'll be ok.

when it rains it pours...

2009-11-11T22:16:00.001-08:00

I just found out my father in law has cancer

ok. I'm not going to die. but I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so tired...

2009-11-11T19:51:00.000-08:00

kev is at a funeral tonight...
a guy he knows was mugged on the street and thrown into oncoming traffic where he was run over by two separate cars.
Damn.
Its almost unimaginable...

Saturday morning kev and I talked. It went ok I guess. He's still not committing to anything (e.g. sticking around v. not sticking around)... which is frustrating for sure. He started ranting and raving... so I did what Dr. Miller suggested (OMG! I sound like a robot... ) and just reflected and reflected and reflected ("I am completely wrong." "you were right all along and I was stupid and wrong all along."... on and on...). It was exhausting for me, but he seemed to soften...

And so punkin... oh lord, punkin...
Punkin "made some sad choices" over the weekend. I'm pretty sure she did it on purpose. For one she didn't cover her tracks well... and she's acted up before when I'm having a hard time in other parts of my life...
so anyway... after an super early and stressful sunday morning she's now grounded from pretty much everything.
She's taking it surprisingly well... (another reason I think she might have gotten in trouble on purpose).

Monday at work I got an email from my supervisor saying basically that while I've been working my ass off trying to do a job that is physically impossible by any and all measures she had time to cross check my mileage claim from last month against my google calendar and she found a discrepancy... so we have to meet tomorrow morning...
I'm a half step away from quitting... So Furious!!

So, we'll see how the meeting goes tomorrow...

My dog has scabs on his face and has to wear a cone...

Dr. Miller today was talking in a way that made me feel like she was encouraging me to move back home to the flat brown state...
which may very well be necessary to save my marriage...
and might be the best thing for punkin...
but I didn't really like her telling me all the ways that it might be ok...

I think I'm going to fucking die...

2009-11-04T20:14:00.000-08:00

Last night things between me and Kev left off abruptly and ugly...
so tonight we tried to have a more careful and controlled discussion. Basically, "are you talking about divorce?", "are you moving out?", "is this the only option?"...
which started out ok but then degraded back into "I'm so miserable and I can't stand to live here anymore".

and so then I was drinking tea and Punkin started talking about this and that... and I said something... and then out of nowhere she's flipping out and comes out with "I'm so miserable and I can't stand to live here anymore".

its a good thing the dog can't talk... he probably hates me too.

2009-11-03T17:36:00.000-08:00

I think Kev might be moving out.
Might be leaving us.

I can't breathe.

I can't even think about it...

2009-11-02T18:00:00.001-08:00

Dude.
I have a panic attack every time I think about it...

I don't know how to talk to Kev about it because every time I think about talking to him about it I freak out...

(I'm trying to remember to breathe)

ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod

OMG!!!

2009-11-02T06:48:00.001-08:00

Kev wants to move home to the flat brown state... He wants to move NOW.

(Deep breath)

His parents are failing. He has great parents. His mom is absolutely the best ever.

So I understand why, now, he feels like he needs to be closer to them.

But! But!

I can't just up and move like that! Even if we weren't talking about moving back to the place I fled for my life from 11 years ago... That's not something I can do just up and moving out of nowhere.

And! And! I don't know if I can LIVE there. It almost killed me before.

And now he wants me to go back?

There are some good reasons to go... Top on the list are kev's folks... But my sister is there... The schools are better... I want punkin to go to college there anyway... Cost of living is much less but I would make *almost* as much money there as I do here...

But I seriously can't breathe every time he I think of it.

So... I don't know what's going to happen...

Is he going to move there and leave us here?

Are we going to get divorced?

Are we going to stay married and yet live 2,000 miles away from each other?

If kev goes and I stay will I make it? Can I do this all alone?

I can't breathe.

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2009-10-31T22:12:00.001-07:00

Kev came home from his week long visit to the flat brown state...
I'm glad he's home.

2009-10-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

I think I've posted this before... I really like it...

I had therapy today.

I have a lot to think about before I post anything

I am in no real danger...

2009-10-29T21:26:00.000-07:00

...because I have an unbreakable rule about not harming myself in any way that the sweet daughter can find out about.

...but the constant and lingering desire for accidental injury, death, or terminal disease has been really much stronger these past few days.

I know what this is. This is the teenager. I let her out of her box and now she's making me feel angry and agitated and destructive. I want to quit my job, get divorced, tell everyone to fuck off... I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want it to get worse... but also somehow don't want it to get better either. (It feels weird to acknowledge that openly... but its true. As uncomfortable as all this angst is... well... there's something familiar and good feeling about it too.)

I want to break shit.

I want to smoke too much and drink too much and drive too fast and take unnecessary risks.

This is definitely the teenager.

my brother

2009-10-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but I was thinking about my brother today.

He was always a little "off" as a child. For as long as I can remember he was kind of a weirdo.
But he was sweet. So, so sweet.
(my eyes are filling just thinking about what a big-hearted little guy he was)

He always liked to wear suits!! His two favorite outfits when he was in preschool were a three-piece suit and a pair of striped overalls.

He had his first real psychotic break when he was just 13 or 14...
and its been downhill for him ever since.

At this point he's a heroin junkie... hasn't worked in over a decade... has had dozens of close friends die of suicide and accidents...

I just know I'm going to lose him.

I feel terribly sad now for the sweet baby brother I lost so many years ago...
and I fear that when he dies (probably sooner rather than later) that I won't be as sad... I think in some ways he's already dead.

I called in sick today

2009-10-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

yep. I decided to stay home.

I truly hate my job lately.
I can't decide if I truly, truly hate my job or if I just hate my job because I feel all anxious and weird inside and it makes it really hard to work...

My hands look marginally better...
...its cold and rainy out but my house is warm and my dog is adorable and I love to hang out with him.

I wish I could quit my job and be a stay-at-home dog mom.

I might quit my job anyway, like I said, I truly hate it there lately...

I remembered another dream...
It was really clear when I first woke up but its already faded a lot...
there was a baby, and a fire. I was 10 feet or so away, but somehow couldn't get to the baby. Flames were licking up all around. The baby was crying, but not desperate the way you would think under those circumstances... Hugh Laurie was there, as "House", not himself... but I don't remember what he was doing...
it was a weird dream.

2009-10-25T18:35:00.001-07:00

I'm so lonely.

thinking about therapy

2009-10-24T23:22:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about therapy last Thursday.

I started off by telling Dr. Miller that I know that the teenage stuff needs dealt with, but that I fear it (fear her!!)...

And so she had me start with what kinds of stuff was happening when I was 11 and then work my way up...

So I told her in broad strokes about the last year that my parents were together, moving again and again, my mom's increasing craziness, running away from home, going to live with my dad, getting in with the "wrong" crowd, using drugs, worrying about my little brother and sister whom I'd left in the care of my mom...

...and then I skipped straight past all the really bad stuff to "and so my dad sent me to live with my mom who'd moved to Georgia by then..."

which I guess is a sure sign that I really need to deal with that stuff...

of course Dr. Miller made me backtrack a bit... and I immediately started to panic... and so we did some of the stuff that we do to take the sting out of things...

and then time was just about up so before we were finished she spoke very gently about how there is absolutely no need to work on the stuff outside of our time together... that all the "stuff" needs to sleep until I come back. That its too hard to manage real life and all of that too... and that she will help me with it, and I should not try to do it alone.

I found all of that very comforting. And things have been popping up ever since, but I tell them in my head "now its time to sleep... we'll talk about this next week... for now just rest please."

But I'm having this one thought that just keeps coming back over and over and over again... and its a statement, not a memory or a feeling...
In my head I keep hearing "the damage that was done cannot be fixed".

I hope that's not true.

alone

2009-10-23T19:18:00.000-07:00

Kev is out of town and Punkin is spending tonight and tomorrow night at her friend's house.
Which leaves me home alone with my puppy for nearly 48 hours... I don't know if I've spent so many continuous hours alone since Punkin was born.
I can't decide if I'm excited or scared about it.
I think I'll just have to see how things play out.

I still love my therapist... and the teenager got a little love...

2009-10-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

I told Dr. Miller that I knew that the teenager needed some attention... and that I know that I need her...
...but that I'm really afraid of her too.

So then we talked about what was going on in that time in my life... and we talked briefly and non-threateningly about some of the bad stuff...

during the session we both managed to laugh... we both cried...
I'm so glad she's here to help me.

I'm still always afraid that something will go wrong, she'll decide not to see me anymore... or move away... or get hit by a bus...

Also today, I was at the used book store looking at kid's books for my students and I found my favorite book when I was a little kid... "The Little Goat"...
I seriously LOVED that book.
I'm happy to have found it.

Exhausted...

2009-10-21T20:22:00.000-07:00

I'm so, so, so tired.
I've been burning my candle at both ends with obligations after work.

Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with my supervisor so I can tell her that the caseload this year is too big and that my job sucks and I hate it...

and then I have 2 more meetings...

and then I'm seeing Dr. Miller.
We need to talk about the teenage girl.
I'm afraid of her. But I've also come to the realization that I need her in my life.
I need her energy. Her sense of humor. Her attitude.
I'm still scared of her though.

The State of the Union...

2009-10-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

(sigh)

I just don't know what's up with Kev...

Don't know at all...

(I feel scared about it though)

I love her...

2009-10-16T18:28:00.000-07:00

I love Dr. Miller. I was able to get a double today. We talked about what a rotten week I've had... We talked about the body memories and she told me some better ways to deal with them.

(I need to be kinder and gentler to "6". She's just a little girl... The things she felt were painful and scary, trying to shut them out is only making them worse. She suggests that I acknowledge the feeling in my body, and acknowledge the person that its coming from... Something like "wow 6, that is a terrible feeling. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I promise that man will never lay a finger on you again." Sounds dumb all written out like that, but it feels nice in my heart.)

Most of the session Dr. Miller spent talking right to "6". Explaining about what happened and why...
It seems so cheesy and contrived, but I really feel better.

She left me a voicemail with some good messages on it, and she's going to record a longer guided imagery thing so that I don't have to be so alone with the bad stuff...

We talked briefly about the teenage girl that showed up in my dream, as well as the teen-style "F-you" my body has been giving me lately.
We've dealt with 17 a tiny bit, but she probably needs more attention...
And we've never, ever talked to 13 because I am afraid to do it. I'm afraid of her.

I've come (unwillingly) to the conclusion that 13 needs to have her say. (And then maybe she won't have to throw fits and mess up my life anymore.)

So yeah... I love Dr. Miller.

2009-10-15T19:30:00.001-07:00

I'm kinda pissed... Dr. Miller's secretary didn't print the thing I sent to her until after Dr. Miller had left this evening. I sent it on Tuesday!
I'm gonna have to talk to her about this...
I don't really know how to talk to her about it...
But it SUCKS that I can't reach her between Friday and Wednesday at all... And even on the 3 days a week that she's there she's only barely reachable...
What if I was just not going to make it?
Most of her patients are little kids, they've all got parents at home that care enough to take them to therapy... They're not completely, all alone with the bad stuff...
but I am.
I'm trapped inside this traitorous body all alone.
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2009-10-14T19:35:00.001-07:00

Dr. Miller called me back this morning but I was in a meeting. She left me a message but didn't say anything about my email... I bet she hadn't gotten it yet because the secretary doesn't usually get there til later.
(Sigh).
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2009-10-14T19:25:00.001-07:00

My most recent phone conversation with my husband...
H: hello?
Me: the door just fell off the refrigerator.
H: what?
Me: the door just fell off the refrigerator.
H: the door just fell off the refrigerator?
Me: yep.
H: I'll be home in a minute.
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post #301

2009-10-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

I was surprised when blogger told me I have 300 posts.
I guess I've been doing this for awhile... I have no interest at all right now in reading my old posts...
Dr. Miller tried to call me this evening but I was in the basement of a nursing home...
I emailed her. Everything has to go through the secretary. I HATE that everything has to go through the secretary... Its really the worst thing about working with Dr. Miller.
So anyway, I emailed her with all the gorey details about how much I've been struggling since our last session. I feel like a whiny baby. I feel like a pathetic loser.
But I shared my pathetic loserness (and hopefully the secretary doesn't read it).
I think she'll probably call me again tomorrow...
I'll let you know how it goes...

2009-10-13T08:50:00.000-07:00

Its cold and rainy today. Makes me want to move.
I don't have therapy til Friday.
It seems like a really long time from now...
I'm hoping maybe Dr. Miller can squeeze me in before then, but tomorrow would be the soonest and I'm not sure we'd be able to find a place where our schedules overlap.
In the meantime I'm making an effort to breathe, and taking more xanax than usual...

I doubt it...

2009-10-11T20:47:00.000-07:00

I've been debating about whether or not I should even try to go to work tomorrow... I'm pretty doubtful that I can make it through the whole day.
On a positive note... Since I could neither leave the house, nor sit still, I did a ton of laundry, cleaned my kitchen, and made 5 dozen tamales.

ouch!!

2009-10-11T10:10:00.000-07:00

Last night was tough...
I broke out in hives. I used to break out in hives all the time, but its been awhile. That's what I get for telling my body to quit it with the itching I guess...
Now I've got itching AND ugly welts.
(Sigh)

Last night I dreampt about Dr. Miller.
I was in her office with a teenage girl. I was smoking out the window.
A realtor showed up to show the place. And then there was a halloween party. Dr. Miller and the teenage girl and I were all sitting on the sofa.
Dr. Miller was wearing a giant overstuffed bear costume.
Everyone else fell asleep. I told Dr. Miller (in her bear suit) about what's been going on.
She told me that it was really nothing, that I had just been triggered and it doesn't matter in my real life because its not real...
I was pissed. Stormed out. There was a coffee machine that had gone haywire and was spewing steam and coffee and grounds all over the place.

In real life Dr. Miller has never discounted anything I've brought to her. She's proven herself to be very trustworthy that way. I'm not sure what that dream was trying to tell me. I almost never remember dreams, it seems significant that I remembered this one.

2009-10-10T19:08:00.001-07:00

I have the anti-midas touch today...
I just broke the power cord to my laptop...
Stupid! I ordered a new one while I still had enough power to do it.
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I suck at "being normal"...

2009-10-10T11:57:00.001-07:00

This morning I had one of those panic attacks that leaves me feeling like a complete and total pathetic loser... I took my dog to the dog park. He LOVES the dog park. He NEEDS the dog park because he's a big, dumb puppy and he used to be super reactive to other dogs but with practice and exposure he's getting better and better...

I should have known better when we drove into the grocery store parking lot and then right back out because I decided I'd rather not eat than go in there...

But then we went to the dog park and it was more crowded than usual...
There were people and dogs everywhere (imagine that!!! At the dog park!!!)

I couldn't get out of my car there either.

I drove home barely containing the tears... Pulled up in the driveway and completely fell apart.

I feel like a complete and total loser.

A pathetic idiot.

A bad dog-mom.

Stupid.

LOSER.

So after I pulled myself together enough to get out of the car I went straight in the house and had a giant shot of bourbon... I ransacked the cabinets looking for xanax but all I found were empty bottles...

Kev is at the pharmacy now refilling my prescription because I'm too worthless, incompetent, and pathetic to do it myself...

(But at least I know how many commas belong in that sentence eh? That's worth something right? Good old oxford comma.)

I've been having really bad "body memories" these past few days. I feel on-edge... outright scared really because of all the things my body is trying to tell me lately...

(sigh)

I don't know why life has to be so fucking hard sometimes...

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2009-10-06T07:02:00.001-07:00

Last night was terrible. I had bad, bad dreams all night long. I don't remember what they were (thanks to the neurontin I never remember dreams...). My body tells me they were really bad... and my husband tells me that too...
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a good thing...

2009-10-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

I had a union meeting after work this evening...
I was driving around this afternoon and I was half dreading it, but then I had this fleeting thought that "it might be fun" and "maybe I'll meet someone nice"...
It took me TOTALLY by surprise!! I was shocked to hear such thoughts in my own head. I usually HATE people and DREAD any and all social obligations...

Dr. Miller has been having me do this affirmation... every time I'm getting any kind of exercise at all I'm supposed to say to myself "the world is 99 percent safe, the world is 99 percent safe". I don't actually believe it... and every time I say it there's a contrary voice in my head that says "yeah, whatever... I know that's not true." But maybe there's something good happening inside my head...

2009-10-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

I've been destroying my hands again... They're really, really bad. I think its a combination of being tired (work sucks so far this year!), stress (did I mention the marriage sucks so far this year?), and Dr. Miller is coming close to sad/scary things in my head... I think I need my hands to hurt so the rest of me doesn't have to...

Therapy today...

2009-10-01T17:27:00.000-07:00

We took a field trip to the grocery store... It was hard! Even harder than I would have expected. Dr. Miller managed to elicit nearly all the bad feelings that I associate with shopping.

I discovered that she went to Disneyland with her nephew for her birthday... That she doesn't eat sugar... And she's CHEAP! (I was surprised... She charges a lot - and her waiting list is long, I wouldn't have thought she'd be so careful with her pennies...)

And then we went back to her office and talked about it...
We talked about food... How much it was an issue when I was a kid.
(My Mom didn't feed us... I don't remember if I've mentioned it here or not... I don't think it was malicious. She just didn't think about it... I used to smuggle sandwiches home from my best friend's house for my little brother and sister).

Anyway...
a BIG memory came up...
Right at the end, so we didn't get a chance to work on it.
I remembered when I was 14. I had been living with my Dad for about a year... Things were bad. I had decided to run away and went to the mall to meet some friends. My Dad found me. He was a big man. He came up from behind me, grabbed me and carried me out of the mall. I didn't know at first what was going on... I didn't know who had grabbed me... or for what reason...
He took me home, built a bonfire and burned up most of my belongings. He told me I was dead to him, that he wished I'd never been born and he was erasing me from his life. The next morning he put me on a plane to Atlanta to live with my mom again... I didn't see him again for about 5 years...
All very painful for me...

This was interesting... I told her about the thing with my Dad and she asked if, having thought of that, if my head felt clearer... And she said that "with people who emanate strongly" she can feel when their minds clear... That when we first got back from the store and I felt really hazy and dissociated she could see spots in front of her eyes and could feel the haziness... But that she felt it go away when I was telling her.
That whole thing skirts dangerously close to mumbo-jumbo for me... But its hard to discount because it fit so closely with my own experience in that moment...
I don't know what I think about the mumbo-jumbo...
And now I have a whole week to live with this big, painful memory before I see her again...

2009-09-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

I feel so FRUSTRATED.
Nothing is easy. Nothing is fun.
It makes me want to drive my car into the river. That's one of the problems with living in a city with so many rivers... there's so much temptation just to drive fucking into them...

I've been away...

2009-09-27T14:42:00.000-07:00

I've been away for quite awhile.
Some things have been very good, and some things have been very bad.
Inside my head has mostly been ok...
I think therapy has been really, really helping me lately... we seem to have gotten into a good groove with addressing traumatic stuff in a way that isn't so horrible that I can't deal.
I guess I should have told her that I throw up right before I see her every week a long time ago... ;-)

Anyway, I'm still here and will likely be posting more frequently again.

(Hi Lynn!!)

big fucking fight...

2009-08-06T09:26:00.000-07:00

Kev and I got in a HUGE fight...
ok, not actually a fight... a fight would have been better.
I had an awful day yesterday.
anxious day.
coming unglued day.
part of it was because of some decisions he made recently without listening to my input...
and so I was mad.
Yesterday evening just before I knew I'd be unavailable for a couple hours I sent him a series of angry text messages...
stupid, I know...
I really shouldn't have done it.
I got home and apologized...
but most of what I said was basically true, it was really just the tone and the method of delivery that were uncalled for...
but now we're not really speaking.

I don't know what this means...
with all my personal garbage I immediately jump to *we're getting a divorce*...

(I've spent the morning looking on the interwebs for a new place for me and punkin to live... hard because of the pets... and I'm picky about schools... and I don't really want to move anyway...)

but maybe I'm jumping to conclusions.
maybe tonight or tomorrow we'll talk about all the crap going on and it will be ok after all...

don't know.

(oh... and I was supposed to have therapy today but Dr. Miller cancelled on me because her cat has to have emergency surgery... less than perfect timing I think).

I think its a bad sign...

2009-08-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

Its not even noon yet...
I've had half a xanax, half a pack of cigarettes, 2 shots of whiskey, thrown away everything perishable in my pantry... and I still feel like if I don't break something I'm going to fucking explode.

in search of something...

2009-07-22T09:47:00.000-07:00

When I was 6 I was molested by a stranger in a park... I know! The thing that is LEAST likely to happen happened to me.
It was quite the ordeal... I was terrified of the police - sure they wanted to take me to jail.
My Mom made it clear that the *right* answer was that nothing at all had happened. I kept all the details of that day a secret inside myself until just a few weeks ago.
Now that its something I'm dealing with and somehow not as much of a burden I decided that I want to know what happened to that man.
I know he was arrested because I had to tell my lies about how nothing happened to a judge and a video camera.
My Mom saved the medical report, in it my dr noted that a certain police officer had contacted him regarding the physical evidence he might have found.
I tried to search the newspaper archives but they don't have them online that far back... So instead I googled the name of the officer and found an address.
I wrote her a letter. Just a brief letter about who I am, how I got her name, and what I hoped to learn which is who was this man and did he go to jail or not.
I stuck it in the mail...
Don't know if anything will come of it or not. I hope she responds and is able to point me in the right direction.
My Mom probably knows the answers to those questions... One would think that asking her would be easier... But truly its not.
If I have to I'm thinking about hiring a private investigator to find out the answers for me.

What happened last night...

2009-07-19T20:55:00.001-07:00

Last night we were in bed, my husband and I...

The windows were open because its been hot.

I heard a crackling sound, a fire sound.

I nudged Kev and said to him, "I hear a fire Kev, I think I hear a fire."

He sat up for a moment, and then he laid back down and told me it was fine, there was nothing...

and I knew he was wrong... I knew there was a fire... but I just couldn't get up to go look. I told myself "you need to go look, there's a fire somewhere".

but I didn't do it. I just laid there awake and listening to the crackling sounds...

and then came the pounding on the door and the flashing lights from the firetrucks.

It turns out the back fence was ablaze...

Burned up 2 panels from the backyard neighbor's and 3 panels on the next door neighbor's fences.

The fire was our fault.

We'd been grilling earlier, maybe a stray spark or ember... I don't know...

the fire marshall said that it started in our corner of the yard and burned out from there.

All of that brought up a scary fire memory for me...

I was 5... I hadn't started kindergarten yet. My Dad was away for the summer for work...

I was sitting on the arm of the sofa, the opening theme of the muppet show was on tv. My Mom was in the bathroom running a bath for me. And I was mad because I didn't want to take a bath, I really wanted to watch the muppet show.

And then I heard and smelled the fire. I went into the kitchen and the stove was burning up.

I remember running down the hall to the bathroom and telling my mom that there was a fire...

and then I don't remember anything until I am being carried out of the house over the arm of a fireman...

I had hidden in my closet.

My mom made me sleepover at the neighbor's house that night. I didn't want to go... I was afraid of the dad that lived there...

therapy today...

2009-07-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

Therapy today was good.
Dr. Miller helped me with my bad feeling.
She told me a story about an orphanage... about all the little girls from small babies to toddlers, to elementary school, to teenagers that lived there...
the orphanage lady was mean and the children didn't always have enough to eat and no one to love them.
A kind lady snuck into the orphanage in the middle of the night and she had a team of horses and lots of food, and she even had chickens and goats with her and she took away all the children with her...
they rode and rode... as they rode along sometimes they would come to a house... and sometimes a mother and a father would come running out, hearing the call of their hearts knowing that their beloved child had finally arrived...
and so one by one, each of the little girls found the home where they belonged... with a mother and father that loved and wanted her...
the end
(there was actually a lot more to the story when she told it... but that was the gist of it).
I cried and cried through the whole telling.
Dr. Miller says that someday all the little girls will be able to laugh and giggle and play...

I'm afraid though...
afraid that all those mothers will find out that the little girls aren't the good little girls that they wanted and hoped for... that they will look at the girls and discover that they are naughty, bad, bad little girls and they won't want to keep them anymore...

but mostly this feels better...

I'm having a feeling...

2009-07-08T21:34:00.000-07:00

I feel a big, sad, lonely feeling...
"sad" isn't even close to big enough to explain the feeling...
its a really big feeling.
It feels like if I give it any room to breathe at all it will swallow me alive.
I'm afraid of the feeling.
I don't know what to do.
I've been toying with the idea of "taking care of it"... in a way not condoned by my therapist... but this needs taken care of... it will swallow me alive if I don't put it away.
I see dr miller tomorrow.
I'm afraid to tell her about the feeling because she'll want to talk about it, or worse yet, talk to it...
it sucks the breath out of me.

Guess What!?! I'm NOT LAZY!!!

2009-06-30T22:23:00.000-07:00

OMG!!! This morning I had this "fireworks of realization" moment...

I'm not lazy! Nope!

I was leaving one job, and on the way to another... and thinking in my head about how I might be able to manage my schedule over the next few days because I've *slightly* overcommitted myself... and I realized that I'm not LAZY!!!

I am a hard worker!! And good at my job too!!

My Mom always said I was "lazy, selfish, and irresponsible"... it was like a mantra... every time she was mad I was "lazy, selfish, irresponsible...", but I'm not!

It seems silly to be so giddy about this. I don't think I realized how deeply I believed those things about myself.

Woo Hoo!! I'm NOT lazy!!!

Help!

2009-06-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

So here's the dilemma...
Last week at my Dr. Miller appointment I did the "30-year-old-secret-disclosure" thing.
I felt fine on Friday and Saturday and most of Sunday. Sunday evening things started to get a little hairy. Part of the problem is probably related to PMS, all the bad stuff tends to really flare up before my period. (This has much improved with some dietary changes though).
But anyway, I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm having more panic attacks. I'm sometimes feeling really tactilely defensive... clothes, furniture, even my hands on the steering wheel feel really uncomfortable sometimes... and I'm generally very blue.
I had to cancel my regular therapy appointment this week because of my daughter's orthodontic appointment. I left a message asking to please, please fit me in if she had a cancellation. Dr. Miller called me back and left a message that if it feels "urgent" that she can make arrangements for someone else to handle her cat's subcutaneous fluids and g-tube feeding (long story...) and she can stay late and see me on Friday. Otherwise I won't see her until a week from Friday...
How do I know if this is urgent?
I mean, I've felt worse... I will definitely live.
But I also tend to not take very good care of myself. (One time I broke my arm and didn't go to the doctor for 2 days because I was sure I was overreacting.)
So I don't know... Should I tell her I need to come in? Should I just wait til a week from Friday?
I feel a little panicked about waiting that long... but I also feel a little panicked about asking her to rearrange her life for me too.

I am SO PROUD of myself!!

2009-06-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

But also exhausted.
Today in therapy I did it...
I told a big, scary secret that I've been keeping in me for 30 years.
I've never, ever told anyone about this thing ever before.
I'm so tired.
But I'm also really proud of myself.
And I'm a little bit afraid of the fallout that might result from this dislosure.

Dr. Miller sat next to me and held my hand during the hard parts. I kept biting my hand, I wasn't really all the way conscious that I was doing it, but she took my hand and held it. And she told me that if she had been there, that it never would have happened like that.
If I had thought about it beforehand I think I would have been uncomfortable with her being that close to me... but in the moment it was very, very comforting.

damned if I do and damned if I don't...

2009-06-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

The title sounds gloomier than I meant it to...
There are two positions for my total dream job (high tech communication equipment stuff) where I work...
One of the positions came open back in April when my co-worker was killed tragically.
The person filling the other position came to me last week and told me that they were going to open up the position left unfilled by her death and that she would really like for me to apply for it.

I had never considered applying for the job. I don't really feel qualified to have such an AWESOME job!
And the woman that had it before was really, really great... she left giant shoes to fill...

I spent all weekend thinking about whether or not I should even apply for the job...
seriously though, this is my DREAM job, the job I fantasized about someday having when I was still in school...

I'm afraid though... (of course I am!! Fear is my response to ALL situations! Dammit!!)
Anyway, what if I suck at it?
What if everyone compares me to the former person who was awesome in every way and died tragically?
What if I get the job and feel guilty about profiting from the death of my friend?
What if I apply for it and don't get it?

I will apply for the job I decided...
and I will hope that I get it... but I will try not to be too disappointed if I don't...
and then if I do I will just have to do my very, very best to do a good job...

I feel like such a loser... And then I hate myself for being so pathetic.

2009-06-15T17:46:00.001-07:00

From the inside I hate my life. I don't know how many times a day I think exactly that thought... Especially when I'm driving I think "oh my god I hate my life". But then I feel like such a loser and so pathetic and whiny. I don't have any good reasons to hate my life. I have a good life...
Better than I ever thought possible.
Frankly, growing up I never thought I'd live past 25 so these last 10+ years are like a bonus. I have a good job, a good kid, I have friends... The marriage is a little shaky right now but so what. When I was homeless and squatting in a condemned two-room shack I never imagined someday having it so good.
But still, I hate my life.

2009-06-11T17:53:00.001-07:00

Therapy today was really good. I decided that it was time to go "all in" instead of holding back. To that end I brought some heavy journaling I'd done. The session itself was "easy" I just sat, cried, and listened to the comments Dr. Miller made about what I'd written. But for not doing anything... I'm totally EXHAUSTED.

2009-06-09T20:59:00.001-07:00

I'm so blue I can barely breathe.

Therapy today was good...

2009-06-05T18:27:00.000-07:00

Today was a double session, 1 1/2 hours...
We didn't delve deeply into any single thing, but we talked about a lot of different things around a central theme.
I spent most of the whole time crying...
we were mostly talking about loss and abrupt endings to things.
There's been a lot of death going on this year. More than usual I think.
And there's been lots of other losses too.
I confessed to her that I was afraid she was going to kick me out of therapy.
She reassured me that she would not, and gave me a nice speech about how much she enjoys and values working with me.
I'm not sure I believe her on that last count.
She also told me that she is available on her off days (she only sees clients Wed-Fri). I still don't believe her, I haven't actually tried to contact her on her off days... but I don't really believe that she returns calls. She doesn't read email ever.
Anyway, it was good.

there's a kink in the hose I think...

2009-06-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

These are the places I'm running into trouble now.
1) I'm scared to delve deeper... we've reached a certain point and I just clam up every time we come even a little bit closer...
and
2) I feel all kinds of things in my body... pounding heart, nausea, tunnel vision and hearing, itchiness, heat or chills, the list goes on and on...
but I don't feel very much in my heart.
I think in some ways I really don't know how...
We (Dr. Miller and I) have talked at length about how, in order to process trauma, a person absolutely must connect the emotions to the memories/thoughts.
And maybe 1 and 2 are really the same issue after all... maybe my fear about going further is really all about my fear of really feeling all those things that I've been pretending had no effect on me all these years.
(sigh)
So, that's where I'm currently coming from.

I got my laptop back

2009-06-03T16:50:00.000-07:00

I finally got my laptop back yesterday.
I think I'll be able to start blogging regularly again... I tried to do it on the other computer and it just didn't seem "right".

Last night was the first board meeting... I think it'll be ok.
Kev is home...
he got off the plane grumpy and awful, it made me wonder if he should have come home at all.
But its been ok since then.
Not great, but ok.

Dr. Miller is back, I see her on Friday.

I've been doing tons and tons of thinking...
I have a lot to talk to her about.

I must look much different from the outside...

2009-05-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

I've commented before that for all of my inability to deal with humans "in real life", somehow at work I feel (mostly) competent and "together".
It feels strange to me because on the inside I feel like such a wreck so much of the time...
I must be perceived as fairly responsible and sane though because I was nominated and summarily elected to a position on the board where I work...
I have the option of declining but I probably won't. On the one hand I feel flattered to be thought so highly of, and also there're a few "perks" associated. I can resign any time so I always have that option too.

absence makes the heart grow fonder?

2009-05-28T07:43:00.000-07:00

I've taken a rather long sabbatical from posting...
things have been weird both in my home and in my head.
My husband is away, he's been gone a week now.
I'm distressed to notice that I don't really miss him and, in fact, it's a bit of a relief for him to be gone.
Dr. Miller is away this week as well. Me and Punkin and the dog are truly on our own.
I don't know if this not missing him is meaningful or not, I fear that it might be...
but I don't know yet.

2009-05-17T10:20:00.001-07:00

Illegitimus non carborundum - don't let the bastards grind you down.

I'm thinking about dropping out of therapy

2009-05-15T19:24:00.000-07:00

This past session in therapy Dr. Miller gave me an assignment... to go to that stupid group one more time, and while I was there to ask myself a set of questions... to take notes about the answers and to bring it back when I see her next week.
I called this morning and left a message that I a) couldn't remember the questions and b) was feeling really, really freaked out about going back and every time I thought about it nearly threw up.

So...
this afternoon HER SECRETARY called and left me a voicemail with the questions I'm supposed to be considering... and that was it. Nothing else.

And I feel completely stupid being so upset about it, but I feel REALLY, REALLY upset about it.
I don't know what specifically I'm feeling... upset isn't really a feeling...
But I'm thinking about not going back... to the group or to Dr. Miller.

Day of Grace #127

2009-05-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

1. we switched the dogs to a raw food diet, I feel really good about it.
2. I called and arranged for Kev to take his dog with him when he goes to visit his folks next week. This will be good for both of us.
3. Lunch with my work friend today... I like having a friend at work.
4. I got acupuncture! Woot!
5. Woot off!! Woot!!

Day of Grace #126

2009-05-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

1. my dog just made a really funny "snorty" sound.
2. therapy today was good. I feel better.
3. Kev and Punkin and I all went out to dinner and it was both peaceful and delicious.
4. I found another on-call job, I think it won't be a whole lot of hours, but I'll be working for my old boss in a really posh facility.
5. This week is almost over...

A sad thing... my husband's favorite restaurant closed. That was where we intended to go tonight, but when we got there it was dark and the sign was down.

I do feel better after therapy today. I wonder if its all "psycho voodoo mind magic" though... I hope not.

Day of Grace #125

2009-05-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

1. I only have 24 days left to work before summer break... and I've still got 1 more "use it or lose it" day left to use this year too... there may be a personal day coming in the VERY near future.
2. I found okra at the posh specialty grocery store yesterday.
3. Kev fried that okra and it was good.
4. Punkin said "you know I'm used to my family which is so lovey and all... weird and wacky, but really lovey too". I didn't know she perceived our family that way. I feel spaced out and distant so much of the time... I guess the effort I put in to being really, fully present when I'm not spaced out has been paying off.
5. I made a funny joke about tomatoes... everyone laughed (all 2 of them!).

What a difference a day makes

2009-05-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

I woke up today on the anxious side of the bed... and maybe the sad side of the bed too.
I've been feeling bad in a way that I haven't felt in awhile. (I have no idea how long its been. It might not even have been that long, but my memory feels so faulty...).
Anyway.
Today I've been feeling like cutting.
Feeling bad, anxious, barely made it through the work day today.

I was supposed to go to that stupid group tonight.
But I'm staying home instead.
I think I'll probably drop out of that group. I think I'm just not adventist enough to fit in there.
And anyway, how am I supposed to confront the fact that I was unwelcome from birth with a whole bunch of ladies that I perceive as hostile...
stupid.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T20:56:00.001-07:00

My "day of grace" number 124 will be embedded in this post...

I never cared much for Mother's Day. My Mom and I just didn't have that kind of relationship...
My sweet Punkin though, ever since she was about 5, has taken it upon herself to make Mother's Day special.

This morning I woke up to hot coffee, omelets, and cinnamon rolls (made mostly all by herself, with only a little help from Kev).
On the table was a gorgeous orchid in a beautiful glass pot. (I'm just praying not to kill the thing).
And there was a treasure hunt consisting of clues written inside paper cranes that were hidden all over the house. At the end of the hunt there was a picture of Punkin and me together hanging out making faces together in the car.
Oh, and some Lindor truffles and dark chocolate m&ms...
Everything (including the stuff we didn't have around the house for the breakfast) was purchased with the money she's been earning from babysitting. She walked to the store and carried it all back with her.

This happens every year.
Somehow every year I'm surprised.

This evening I took her out to fancy dinner just the two of us. We had a great time, laughed and laughed about all kinds of dumb stuff...

I feel so grateful.

Day of Grace #123

2009-05-09T21:48:00.000-07:00

1. Super busy and FUN 2 days!
2. Kev got us a limo for our anniversary date (our actual anniversary was awhile back, but we were having celebration part 2...)
3. I went to the humane society fundraiser dog walk thing... there were thousands of people there but I still had fun.
4. And then Punkin and I went to a dance performance thing... that was ok even.
5. I finished the day with my friend's birthday party.

I had more social contact today than the past month combined.
And it was ok.

Day of Grace #122

2009-05-08T07:14:00.000-07:00

(late... oops!)
1. lunch with my coworker/friend.
2. I joined my friend Jen's "team" for a fundraising walk...
3. Punkin and I ate pasta and watched 3 episodes of 'Survivor' and it was fun.
4. I found a really pretty marble in the gutter.
5. I'm having happy fantasies about tulip gardens.

Day of Grace #121

2009-05-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

1. My schedule has really cleared up the past few weeks, its nice to have some time to relax.
2. We got to graduate a kid from our (really restrictive, designed for the lowest functioning kids) program to his home school this afternoon. This almost never happens.
3. coffee from the microwave was almost as good as fresh this afternoon but much, much quicker.
4. my daughter got free tickets to a really awesome dance performance tonight.
5. I bought new bowls. I love them.

Day of Grace #120

2009-05-05T20:44:00.000-07:00

1. I got A LOT of work done today...
2. I made a weeks worth of pills and powders, I'm getting much quicker at it, I really think they're helping.
3. I had another successful grocery store trip today, just bought some penne pasta for my husband, in and out quick, but it was ok.
4. my closest work friend was around today... I haven't seen her for a while, I hope she can come back next year. She's "agency"... so there's no telling whether my company will be willing to buy her out of her contract or not. I really hope they will.
5. I really appreciated Lynn's comment about "the church", it felt good to be understood and validated.

speaking of "the church"... I went to that group again last night. We were discussing our families, where and how our parents grew up, what we knew about our grandparents. Somehow a bit of a pissing match started up about whose family is more devoutly adventist, whose family has been adventist longest, whose family is the MOST adventist... and looking around the room I noticed that I was the only one wearing jewelry, and although two of the other women were wearing make-up it was very, very subtle... and it struck me that they're ALL f-ing adventists... somehow I ended up in the all-adventist-all-the-time group.
My first thought was to come next week wearing LOTS of jewelry and LOTS of make-up, to announce that I had to leave early to go out dancing... to bring in a triple latte and a corndog. Maybe to make a pot of lil smokies and offer them to the group...
I don't know what Dr. Miller is hoping I'll get out of the group but I doubt that it is meant to bring out the rebellious teenager in me.
(sigh)

2009-05-05T18:24:00.000-07:00

Ever since my coworker and her daughter were killed in that accident I have been so much more anxious about the safety and well-being of my family. I've always been anxious about them... when they're not with me I worry...
But for the past week or so the mild anxiety has increased to heart pounding fear.
sucks.

Day of Grace #119

2009-05-04T16:36:00.000-07:00

1. today at work was painless...
2. Only 29 days left to work before summer!!
3. I paid the rent all by myself... (usually I write the check and Kev takes it to the place, I don't know why I hate that place so much).
4. Punkin continues to be really sweet.
5. I got a whole bunch of vitamins and stuff in the mail today... I love packages, even if the stuff inside is boring.

Day of Grace #118

2009-05-03T21:51:00.000-07:00

1. Today is my puppy's birthday. He's 1!
2. This morning, trekking through the craft store in a desperate, last minute, school art project shopping spree, Punkin stopped and said "Thanks Mom for helping me with this. I was feeling really overwhelmed and I feel a lot better about it now."
How sweet!!
3. Someone else's blog pointed me to this website, I don't remember whose, its fascinating... check it out... basically its streaming "tweets" about love, hate, wish, believe, feel, or think.
4. The show "chopped".
5. I wrote a haiku... I won't share it, but I did write one.

I don't want to be converted...

2009-05-03T09:30:00.001-07:00

My therapist is an unabashed Christian...
She doesn't beat you over the head with it... well, not quite. She does have 5 copies of The Case for Christ in her waiting room, but she hasn't brought it up in person. (Maybe she's chomping at the bit waiting for me to introduce the topic?)
When she says "praise the lord" she really means it.
I'm not opposed to people being Christians... I mean, if that's what they want to do, so be it...
But I hate, hate, hate THE CHURCH.

I thought that I hate THE CHURCH because it represents hypocrisy, judgement, etc., etc...
But this morning in my mind wanderings I remembered some other reasons why I hate the church.

When I was 8-11 years old my mom went through her "God phase". (After that she had a yoga phase, a macrobiotic phase, a variety of different spiritualism and guru phases... one time she even told me that she was from "a peaceful blue planet" and I was from "the same angry orange planet as [my] father"... but that's a whole other thing I think.)
(sigh)
Anyway, my mom would find a church, we'd go for weeks or months... this was THE WAY, this was RIGHT, this was THE TRUTH...
and then, for no reason apparent to me she'd decide that particular church was WRONG, that they were SINNERS and that they were LEADING PEOPLE ASTRAY.

lather, rinse, repeat...

I've been baptized a whole bunch of times, I don't even know to which ones...

(we've never been Catholic, Jewish, or Mormon... all of them WORSHIP FALSE IDOLS)

I joke around that I've got my bases covered ;-)

I knew I hated all of that stuff all along, this morning though, I remembered in more detail what specifically I hate about THE CHURCH and why, when I walked into one last week, the church smell made me want to throw up...

It was the rules. The mom rules.
If I broke the rules I'd get pinched or my hair pulled while we were there... and worse in the car on the way home.
(I had to wear long sleeves regardless of the weather to cover up the bruises on my arms... I hated it, I wasn't at all self-conscious about those bruises.
I thought it was normal.
I guess I figured all the other kids didn't have as many because they were better than me.)

There are a lot of rules.
No running, no wiggling, no sneezing, coughing, or itching.
Don't smile too much you'll look like a fool.
Don't not-smile, people will think there's something wrong with you.
Don't take the last of any item from the refreshment table.
Don't stand there, you're in peoples way...
Don't stand there, people will think you're a recluse...
(sigh)
There were tons more rules, I can't even think of what they all were. Really there was no rhyme or reason to them. My mom felt anxious and unsure of herself socially and her stress got pushed onto me.

So that's why I can't walk into a church without wanting to throw up.

No big deal right? Just don't go into those places...
That was my plan... I hadn't set foot in a church in probably 20 years and that was ok with me.

Here's where it gets complicated.

Dr. Miller instructed me to join this group...
it's specifically geared towards attachment issues and how they affect current relationships. That makes sense for me, I definitely have some attachment issues, and clearly my current relationships are affected...
But the stupid group is held in a church.
(7th Day Adventist... I don't know if I've ever been one of them or not.)
And some of the people pray at the beginning of the group...
and God is mentioned here and there in the text that we're using...

I just don't know if I can do it.

And I'm feeling a bit paranoid about it...
about the possibility that Dr. Miller is trying to inspire some kind of religious conversion...
That she might be trying to trick me into something...
especially the part about being tricked into something... that freaks me out.
And I don't know... is this a transference thing? is this justified? Am I crazy?
Don't know.

Day of Grace #117

2009-05-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

1. conscious sedation dentistry for my husband...
2. not being able to leave Kev unattended has given me an excuse to stay home and tidy up the house... I LOVE clean floors, if only they happened more often...
3. clean sheets on the bed, I found my favorite pillowcase, I think its funny that I have a favorite pillowcase.
4. the sudden hail storm that hit this afternoon didn't catch Punkin on her walk to the store.
5. after the hail storm the sun came out.

are you my mother?

2009-05-02T15:37:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday in therapy I had an internal dilemma...
We were dealing with some stuff from when I was 6... when my Mom was supposed to help me, to make things better, but instead just made things worse.
Dr. Miller asked me who I wanted my mother to be, who was kind and responsible and had all the other qualities I wanted in a mom.
Part of me wanted HER to be my mom... but part of me would've walked across hot coals before I told her so.
I guess I am still actively resisting "attachment".
I don't know who I want my mother to have been... right now I'm toying with a meld of the sunmaid raisin lady and Samantha from Bewitched. I've got a giant stuffed monkey who (that?) is a close contender too.

I had a dream...

2009-05-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

I had a dream the other night...
In it I was flat on my back in the middle of the road, I'm not sure why I was there, but the ground beneath me was warm and solid feeling. A raven flew down and was looming over me, intending to f*** me...
I wasn't terribly concerned. And it crossed my mind that its not really sex if only one person wants to...
Which casts a whole different light on my first marriage...

Day of Grace #116

2009-05-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

1. I only have 31 more days to work until summer.
2. I got to see Dr. Miller again today. We did some nice grounding stuff... it helped.
3. Punkin doesn't have the swine flu... but she has been sick.
4. Hot coffee with my best friend is the best, best, best.
5. The front screen of my cellphone cracked, but it didn't mess up the camera.

Day of Grace #115

2009-04-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

1. the one thing I am most grateful for today... well... I can't actually type it because I'm terribly superstitious and I don't want to make it not true anymore. But I have a thing in my head that I am so, so grateful for today.
2. the sun is shining.
3. My tulips are all blooming at once. I planted them too late this year and I didn't think they'd bloom at all.
4. I have two good dogs.
5. I love my watch, the face is red on red with a swirly pattern on it. I really love it.

Fireworks of realization

2009-04-30T16:44:00.000-07:00

I just got home from the funeral for my coworker and her daughter. It was a nice service as far as those things go. I purposefully sat where I wouldn't be able to see Pam's husband and son.
I had tears streaming down my face for the entire thing... which surprised me. I've only worked with her for the past 2 years, I knew her fairly well but not really THAT well.
I guess the tragedy of her death stirred up some other grief for me as well.

I had a "fireworks of realization" moment this morning.
the man told me that he was teaching me "what grown-up women do" and he told me that he was doing me a favor because when I grew up I would already know how to do all those things.
I don't know why I never made the connection before...
when I hit puberty and started growing hairs everywhere I started shaving my whole body. I did it for years. I remember feeling horrified that I might be "becoming a woman"... and when I started having my period I didn't tell anyone. My mom found out on accident about a year later when she was emptying the trash. I always thought that I didn't tell my mom because I didn't trust her, or like her, and didn't have much to say to her by then. I'm sure that was part of it, but I think the bigger part of it may have been not wanting anyone to know just in case I had to do the things that grown-up women do.

Day of Grace #114

2009-04-29T23:06:00.000-07:00

1. My boss decided without me having to ask her please, to not come and observe me today... it just wasn't the right day for that.
2. I had a great time in one of my classrooms today, I felt like I was doing exceptionally good work this morning.
3. This afternoon I went and saw Dr. Miller. I gave her a list of things that were bothering being me and now I feel better about all of them.
4. I took Punkin to a therapist (recommended by Dr. Miller) for her second visit today... I wasn't in with them, but I have a sense that its going well.
5. I get to go see Dr. Miller again on Friday. (so glad, its been a rough, rough week.)

Another sad thing this year... so much for year of the ox being auspicious...

2009-04-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

When I got to work yesterday morning the director of the program stopped me in the parking lot to tell me that one of the women in my department and her 11 year old daughter had been killed over the weekend.
I was supposed to be meeting with her that morning to talk about an IEP meeting we'd both be attending later that day.
She's left behind a husband and an 8 year old son.

Damn.

So far the year of the ox has taken a friend, my cat, one of my oldest and dearest former clients, and now my coworker and her daughter.

(sigh)

Day of Grace #113

2009-04-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

1. Kev and I had a really good time in Seattle.
2. We went to this... and it was good.
3. And we went here... and it was good.
4. The culmination of this is a really positive and hopeful feeling about my marriage and Kev himself.
5. I found a house I might buy.

Day of Grace #112

2009-04-24T19:33:00.000-07:00

1. I had therapy today. It was good. I started off scared, moved into relaxed, then into terribly, terribly sad... and then back to relaxed.
2. Only 35 days left to work this school year.
3. Work was nice today.
4. Kev and I decided that rather than rush out the door into traffic this evening to get to Seattle that instead we'll get up super early and leave around 3am... it sounds like a fun adventure.
5. I can feel myself getting better from the inside out.

Day of Grace #111

2009-04-24T08:01:00.000-07:00

1. I like the number 111.
2. I had acupuncture and it was good.
3. I had been 3 weeks since my last acupuncture appointment. That's the longest I've ever gone without falling apart.
4. I still have the giant stuffed monkey my favorite aunt gave me when I was 5.
5. Me and Kev are headed to Seattle tonight for the weekend.

Day of Grace #110

2009-04-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

I'm very, very tired today. The whole day was all about running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

1. Punkin's teeth are looking really straight. Hooray for the orthodontist. And good insurance.
2. I still think the amino acid therapy thing might be working. I still feel more grounded than is usual for me...
3. Only 35 or 36 days left on my contract this year. (I think I might have to go back... Kev wants to quit his job... he NEEDS to quit his job...)
4. my dog was really, really good at dog school tonight.
5. this day is over and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.

I'm back...

2009-04-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

Expect me to be back around.
My sister left this afternoon. I'm glad she came, we had a great visit.
I love being with her, and I love who I am when I'm with her...
I'm more fun... more relaxed... more present... I can do things with my sister (like shopping) that I can't do alone or as comfortably with anyone else. (I even went to Sephora for christ's sake!!)
Now that she's gone away again I feel slightly heart broken.

Day of Grace something or other... I don't feel like checking...
1. I had a great time with my sister.
2. She made it home safely.
3. We got lots of free and wonderful treats at Sephora.
4. My dog got a great haircut this afternoon.
5. My evaluation at work last week was great... as much as my boss appears to not like me much in person, she wrote wonderful things about me.

I am feeling well...

2009-04-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

Things are good.
I still feel good.
I've been super busy getting ready for my sister to come.
I'll be back around next week after she leaves.

Day of Grace #109

2009-04-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

1. Therapy yesterday was really good.
I was dreading it, but it was excellent. It seems like the sessions I fear the most are the most productive sometimes. So good.
2. I feel well again.
3. Punkin came with me to work out of town this weekend... it's been so fun. The most fun I've had in ages!
4. I think the naturopath guy might be on to something. I feel pretty good. I've been doing the amino acid thing for a week, and I feel good. As much as I don't like him, maybe he's worth my while after all.
5. My sister will be here on Thursday!!!

2009-04-09T16:59:00.000-07:00

I'm sick...
sick enough that I canceled my acupuncture appointment even though I don't have one next week either...
Dude.
That's a bad sign.
In two years I've only canceled acupuncture one other time.

nyquil is good.

Day of Grace #108

2009-04-08T20:46:00.000-07:00

1. Boston Legal reruns are funny. I haven't watched the last few seasons, maybe I'll try them out.
2. nyquil is good.
3. My sister will be here in ONE WEEK!!!
4. my knee didn't hurt at all today.
5. I think I might be on the verge of taking care of some work stuff that has been sadly overdue.

An unbelievably wrong conversation

2009-04-08T18:43:00.000-07:00

On the telephone with my sister this afternoon...

My Sister: [calm and nonchalant] Did I tell you that our brother tried to electrocute himself a couple weeks ago?
Me: [not so calm] NO!!! WTF!!??!! What happened?!?
My Sister: Yeah, he put the toaster in the bathtub. I'm surprised it didn't work, it worked when they did it on mythbusters... I think the electrical system in the house is so messed up that he must have just blown a fuse. He messed up his teeth somehow though. He says they hurt all the time now.
Me: Does Mom know?
My Sister: yeah.
Me: And she didn't have him committed?
My Sister: No, that would be the responsible thing to do... you know how Mom is...

Day of Grace #107

2009-04-07T17:47:00.000-07:00

1. last night was book club.
2. Jen made lasagne and caesar salad from scratch.
3. my supervisor finally did my observation/evaluation today.
4. vitamin c is good... especially if a person might be coming down with a cold.
5. the flowery tree in the back yard is dropping petals, it looks like something from a movie.

Day of Grace #106

2009-04-05T19:05:00.000-07:00

1. I'm home again.
2. The drive home was really beautiful. Warm and sunny.
3. I don't have my calendar in front of me, but I think I only have 49 work days left on my contract...
4. Tulips are blooming in my front yard.
5. Did I mention before that I'm applying for a job in a new town?

A random thing that I hate

2009-04-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

This hasn't happened recently but I was just thinking about how much I hate it.
When I go to a new doctor and fill out the intake paperwork I sometimes include PTSD in my list of diagnoses and sometimes I don't. I guess I decide based on how much I think it matters to what I'm doing there.
This is what I hate.
I hate it when I do include it, and then the doctor or whoever says "what's the PTSD from?".
Hmph.

Day of Grace #105

2009-04-04T16:39:00.000-07:00

1. Punkin and her best friend seem to have made up. Woe to the mother of a 13 year old daughter on the outs with her BFF.
2. I'm out of town again... Just two more weekends after this. The extra money will easily pay for summer camp and summer birthdays and leave plenty extra for emergencies.
3. My dog is sleeping with his head on my foot.
4. Today was the warmest day so far this year. After I worked (briefly... I feel guilty sometimes about how much they're paying me for so little work)... anyway, after I worked today my dog and I walked along a trail alongside the river. It was lovely.

Day of Grace #104

2009-04-03T21:09:00.000-07:00

1. I didn't chicken out and managed to deliver my list of rotten-ness to Dr. Miller even though it contained gory details that I didn't really feel like sharing... the motivation to assuage my 3am self enough to get some rest, combined with the fact that I was able to just leave it on her desk without actually having to see her or her secretary combined to make it work.
2. I only have the next 3 weekends left to work out of town.
3. I started this intensive amino acid therapy protocol thingy... I don't have a lot of faith, but others do... so I'm willing to give it a try. I'll let you know...
4. I went to the store this evening all by myself, and it was crowded, and I still did ok.
5. I managed to get a lot of work done in a very short time this afternoon.

Day of Grace #103

2009-04-02T21:25:00.000-07:00

1. lunch out with one of my coworkers was nice.
2. I wrote down all the things that have been plaguing me at 3am and I will deliver it to Dr. Miller. "Pipe down all y'all, you have to wait your turn. We'll get to each of you in turn." I say to those memories.
3. I'm reading a really great book - "Animals in Translation" by Temple Grandin. It's funny.
4. I'm going to apply for a job in a smaller college town about 90 miles from here. The high schools are better. I might like the job better. I might like living in a smaller town better. I can afford to buy a house there.
5. I had acupuncture tonight and it was really, really good.

Day of Grace #102 (tardy)

2009-04-02T07:25:00.000-07:00

1. a sapphire pendant given to me by my husband.
2. I left flowers at Kev's office and he called me three times to tell me how much he loved them.
3. the Thai restaurant down the street is owned by a charming Laotian man, he cooked us special Laotian food. And he let us in on a little secret, the name of his restaurant loosely translates to "Thai Hillbilly".
4. And the Laotian makes a mean margarita "out of scratch".
5. it was a nice anniversary. (There were a couple of them that were not so pleasant... this one was good.)

a semi-random fear...

2009-03-31T19:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where I pulled this terminology from, but I have this idea about therapy and how the goal relates to finding an "authentic sense of self"...
I'm afraid that there's not one to be found.
I am a giant faker.
I think that under all this armor there might be nothing at all.
(sigh)

Day of Grace #101

2009-03-31T19:03:00.000-07:00

1. My dentist says the graft is healing nicely... all pink and healthy... but he left the stupid stitches in for 2 more weeks. (I think I mentioned some time ago how much I HATE to have crap in my teeth...)
2. Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. Yep, April Fool's day. There's more to the story but I'll save it for another time.
3. I might move to another (smaller) city.
4. Another decent-ish day at work. (Maybe deciding I'm not going back makes it seem less awful?)
5. New tea!! Chamomile-Citrus. Yum.

100th day...

2009-03-30T19:38:00.001-07:00

1. Since sometime in November I've been able to think of ~500 things that I am grateful for.
2. All weekend I was dreading going back to work... but then it was ok today.
3. I found new sun shades for my car. It's shocking how difficult it was to find a store that was stocking them.
4. I get to go back to the dentist tomorrow and find out if the stitches can come out of my mouth or not. (Believe me, I'll let you know.)
5. Kev found a really nice little camera at the city dump!

Beware the Under Toad

trying to stop dying

I've been away...

I'm all over the place

I'm taking one for the team...

when it rains it pours...

ok. I'm not going to die. but I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so tired...

I think I'm going to fucking die...

I can't even think about it...

OMG!!!

I am in no real danger...

my brother

I called in sick today

thinking about therapy

alone

I still love my therapist... and the teenager got a little love...

Exhausted...

The State of the Union...

I love her...

post #301

I doubt it...

ouch!!

I suck at "being normal"...

a good thing...

Therapy today...

I've been away...

big fucking fight...

I think its a bad sign...

in search of something...

What happened last night...

therapy today...

I'm having a feeling...

Guess What!?! I'm NOT LAZY!!!

Help!

I am SO PROUD of myself!!

damned if I do and damned if I don't...

I feel like such a loser... And then I hate myself for being so pathetic.

Therapy today was good...

there's a kink in the hose I think...

I got my laptop back

I must look much different from the outside...

absence makes the heart grow fonder?

I'm thinking about dropping out of therapy

Day of Grace #127

Day of Grace #126

Day of Grace #125

What a difference a day makes

Mother's Day

Day of Grace #123

Day of Grace #122

Day of Grace #121

Day of Grace #120

Day of Grace #119

Day of Grace #118

I don't want to be converted...

Day of Grace #117

are you my mother?

I had a dream...

Day of Grace #116

Day of Grace #115

Fireworks of realization

Day of Grace #114

Another sad thing this year... so much for year of the ox being auspicious...

Day of Grace #113

Day of Grace #112

Day of Grace #111

Day of Grace #110

I'm back...

I am feeling well...

Day of Grace #109

Day of Grace #108

An unbelievably *wrong* conversation

Day of Grace #107

Day of Grace #106

A random thing that I hate

Day of Grace #105

Day of Grace #104

Day of Grace #103

Day of Grace #102 (tardy)

a semi-random fear...

An unbelievably wrong conversation