I've been away...

The undertoad still has me really bad...

The move is done.

I'm working at my new job... I like my job ok.

Punkin is living with her Dad mostly, cuz me and Kev are living at his folk's house out in the country. The in-laws are in Florida so we have the house to ourselves... but its kind of awful because I feel like a refugee - I can't unpack... their stuff is everywhere (of course it is - its their house)...
Kev is blissfully happy.
The dogs love it - we're on 30 acres or so and they can run and run and run.
Punkin is doing better - her grades are better, she seems happier...

and I feel guilty for being so miserable.
I feel like I'm dying.

None of them really need me... obviously... everyone else is doing great while I lie in bed and cry.
I've been struggling with scary self-destructive thoughts...

I hate it here. Its ugly. Its flat and brown and ugly.

I've talked to Dr. Miller on the phone a couple times, just briefly... nothing terribly helpful really.

She says I need to "find [my] people"...
but I can't.
I can't go and meet people... I go to work and I go home and I don't have the energy to do anything else.

I don't see any way out - there's nothing better for me in my future.