I've been thinking about therapy last Thursday.
I started off by telling Dr. Miller that I know that the teenage stuff needs dealt with, but that I fear it (fear her!!)...
And so she had me start with what kinds of stuff was happening when I was 11 and then work my way up...
So I told her in broad strokes about the last year that my parents were together, moving again and again, my mom's increasing craziness, running away from home, going to live with my dad, getting in with the "wrong" crowd, using drugs, worrying about my little brother and sister whom I'd left in the care of my mom...
...and then I skipped straight past all the really bad stuff to "and so my dad sent me to live with my mom who'd moved to Georgia by then..."
which I guess is a sure sign that I really need to deal with that stuff...
of course Dr. Miller made me backtrack a bit... and I immediately started to panic... and so we did some of the stuff that we do to take the sting out of things...
and then time was just about up so before we were finished she spoke very gently about how there is absolutely no need to work on the stuff outside of our time together... that all the "stuff" needs to sleep until I come back. That its too hard to manage real life and all of that too... and that she will help me with it, and I should not try to do it alone.
I found all of that very comforting. And things have been popping up ever since, but I tell them in my head "now its time to sleep... we'll talk about this next week... for now just rest please."
But I'm having this one thought that just keeps coming back over and over and over again... and its a statement, not a memory or a feeling...
In my head I keep hearing "the damage that was done cannot be fixed".
I hope that's not true.
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5 comments:
I keep getting weird sentences stuck in my head too, the other day I had a dream and woke up thinking 'round peg square hole' I don't see these as being statemens of fact though, more just a message from the unconscious, maybe telling you what you believe at that time but by brining these thoughts into awareness they are amenable to change so i see it as a good thing!
:-)
So nice to hear from you Mayday!!
I feel surprisingly "un-freaked-out" by that "unfixable" thought...
I sure hope its amenable to change!!
Love it that you say things like "amenable"!
-e
Maybe what you heard in your head was only a reflection of knowing that the past cannot be changed. It sure doesn't mean there is no hope for you. There is hope.
whats weird about amenable?! Good to hear from you too Else!
nothing weird about "amenable"... its just a nice word that I don't hear every day.
I think that part of the "cannot be repaired" is because a lot of the damage was in the relationship with my Dad... and it can't be repaired because he died 11 years ago in December...
The teenage years were pretty bad for me... A year before my Dad died he and I had started to try to make up, but then he crashed his plane and that was that.
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