...because I have an unbreakable rule about not harming myself in any way that the sweet daughter can find out about.
...but the constant and lingering desire for accidental injury, death, or terminal disease has been really much stronger these past few days.
I know what this is. This is the teenager. I let her out of her box and now she's making me feel angry and agitated and destructive. I want to quit my job, get divorced, tell everyone to fuck off... I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow because I don't want to talk about it. I don't want it to get worse... but also somehow don't want it to get better either. (It feels weird to acknowledge that openly... but its true. As uncomfortable as all this angst is... well... there's something familiar and good feeling about it too.)
I want to break shit.
I want to smoke too much and drink too much and drive too fast and take unnecessary risks.
This is definitely the teenager.
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2 comments:
What else might the teenager like to do? Maybe eat chocolate or potato chips or drink Pepsi or something? The last time I had her feelings the way you describe here, I bought some new lipstick and sunglasses. It sounds lame, but it helped me stay away from hurting myself.
I find myself acting like a teenager more and more recently, its kind of weird, I never really felt i rebelled that much as a teenager but I feel like maybe I'm doing it now, I don't know why!
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