I'm all over the place

I'm kind of relieved to be leaving my job...
but I'm anxious about telling them, and haven't figured out yet when I will let them know.

I'm kind of glad to be sorting through and getting rid of "stuff"...
but I feel overwhelmed about the enormity of the job at hand. Whittling down 11 years of my life into what will fit into boxes feels hard.

I'm very sad about leaving Dr. Miller, my friends, acupuncture-guy, my house...

I'm glad for Punkin that I'm making this decision which will get her into a much, much better school situation.
I'm sad for Punkin that she will have to leave behind some of her dear friends.

The interweb has given me some leads on a new therapist... but I'm very afraid of leaving Dr. Miller and finding someone new. She and I aren't really done yet, it feels all wrong to be breaking things off in the middle like this. What if I can't connect with the new person? What if I never find anyone as good for me as Dr. Miller is? What if where I am now is just where I'm going to be forever?

Money is a worry.... on the one hand I need to work as much extra as possible so that I can afford all the extra expenses that go into a big move.
But I also need time. Time to sort and pack and sleep. Time to get all the loose ends tied up before I am 2,000 miles away from here.

I've got some stained glass projects I want to finish before I go. A small panel for my Kev's mom. I'm halfway done with a making a small panel for each of the "book club girls"...
I've got a project in my head that I haven't even started yet, its a panel with oriental poppies and etched text of the "risk" poem by anais nin. I thought I had plenty of time to work it up to give to her before I quit seeing her, but now it seems that there are only a few weeks left really...

I'm taking one for the team...

Kev's dad has cancer and his folks need more help...
Punkin isn't doing well in her underfunded and not meeting standards school...

and so, I'm gonna take one for the team and move with my family back to the flat brown state.

yep.

My feelings about this change from moment to moment.
Sometimes I feel like it'll be ok, sometimes I feel completely undone about it...

Dr. Miller says it'll be ok.

when it rains it pours...

I just found out my father in law has cancer

ok. I'm not going to die. but I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so tired...

kev is at a funeral tonight...
a guy he knows was mugged on the street and thrown into oncoming traffic where he was run over by two separate cars.
Damn.
Its almost unimaginable...

Saturday morning kev and I talked. It went ok I guess. He's still not committing to anything (e.g. sticking around v. not sticking around)... which is frustrating for sure. He started ranting and raving... so I did what Dr. Miller suggested (OMG! I sound like a robot... ) and just reflected and reflected and reflected ("I am completely wrong." "you were right all along and I was stupid and wrong all along."... on and on...). It was exhausting for me, but he seemed to soften...

And so punkin... oh lord, punkin...
Punkin "made some sad choices" over the weekend. I'm pretty sure she did it on purpose. For one she didn't cover her tracks well... and she's acted up before when I'm having a hard time in other parts of my life...
so anyway... after an super early and stressful sunday morning she's now grounded from pretty much everything.
She's taking it surprisingly well... (another reason I think she might have gotten in trouble on purpose).

Monday at work I got an email from my supervisor saying basically that while I've been working my ass off trying to do a job that is physically impossible by any and all measures she had time to cross check my mileage claim from last month against my google calendar and she found a discrepancy... so we have to meet tomorrow morning...
I'm a half step away from quitting... So Furious!!

So, we'll see how the meeting goes tomorrow...

My dog has scabs on his face and has to wear a cone...

Dr. Miller today was talking in a way that made me feel like she was encouraging me to move back home to the flat brown state...
which may very well be necessary to save my marriage...
and might be the best thing for punkin...
but I didn't really like her telling me all the ways that it might be ok...

I think I'm going to fucking die...

Last night things between me and Kev left off abruptly and ugly...
so tonight we tried to have a more careful and controlled discussion. Basically, "are you talking about divorce?", "are you moving out?", "is this the only option?"...
which started out ok but then degraded back into "I'm so miserable and I can't stand to live here anymore".

and so then I was drinking tea and Punkin started talking about this and that... and I said something... and then out of nowhere she's flipping out and comes out with "I'm so miserable and I can't stand to live here anymore".

its a good thing the dog can't talk... he probably hates me too.

I think Kev might be moving out.
Might be leaving us.

I can't breathe.

I can't even think about it...

Dude.
I have a panic attack every time I think about it...

I don't know how to talk to Kev about it because every time I think about talking to him about it I freak out...

(I'm trying to remember to breathe)

ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod

OMG!!!

Kev wants to move home to the flat brown state... He wants to move NOW.

(Deep breath)

His parents are failing. He has great parents. His mom is absolutely the best ever.

So I understand why, now, he feels like he needs to be closer to them.

But! But!

I can't just up and move like that! Even if we weren't talking about moving back to the place I fled for my life from 11 years ago... That's not something I can do just up and moving out of nowhere.

And! And! I don't know if I can LIVE there. It almost killed me before.

And now he wants me to go back?

There are some good reasons to go... Top on the list are kev's folks... But my sister is there... The schools are better... I want punkin to go to college there anyway... Cost of living is much less but I would make *almost* as much money there as I do here...

But I seriously can't breathe every time he I think of it.



So... I don't know what's going to happen...

Is he going to move there and leave us here?

Are we going to get divorced?

Are we going to stay married and yet live 2,000 miles away from each other?

If kev goes and I stay will I make it? Can I do this all alone?



I can't breathe.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Kev came home from his week long visit to the flat brown state...
I'm glad he's home.

I think I've posted this before... I really like it...

I had therapy today.

I have a lot to think about before I post anything